Warning: This is a blog that I need to write to get my thoughts and feelings written down to hopefully change me from a sluggish caterpillar into a free flying butterfly. There is a good amount of looking within myself, so if that is not the type of blog you like to read you may want to skip to the next one….which should be in the next day or so.
Coming back to Arizona is always so hard for me to adjust. There are some physical aspects (high temps, high altitude), but more it is the mental adjustment for me. I am so sad, depressed and lonely!!! I know it is just a matter of time, but this year seems more of a challenge with that crazy Roni Rona hanging around. There are no activities going on here yet, other than you can swim in the pool, but no social type activities. When I have seen people that I know, we can only share a “virtual” hug, which is nice, but just not the same. I get in such a funk where all I want to do is sit, do nothing and maybe watch TV. I try to force myself into things like needlework, this blog, finishing up my class or finishing the Bylaws, but all seem to drag me down even more. My needlework has only the outlining left, which I just hate!! I have 2 new ones that I would much rather start, but I need to finish this one first!
I should really feel blessed that I can still do counted cross stitch at this age — I have talked to a number of women that have said they can no longer do it!
The Bylaws are a whole story on its own — one of the other park members asked to help so she do some “editing” on what we had already written and it is FULL of changes. Now Dennis and I have to decide what we do about all of that — but both of us feel overwhelmed by the number of changes they suggested!
I think my most saddest, lonely aspect of being here is not being able to see family and friends. This summer was hard in that I usually catch up with friends by Happy Hours, dinners or breakfasts, but even that was not an option this summer. And I am understanding that once you retire, those work friendships mostly seem to fall by the wayside also, which generates a emptiness in my heart. Thankfully my friend, Kathy, whom I have known well over 30 years, is there through thick and thin! But even with her we were not able to enjoy a breakfast to catch up — email keeps us connected! And also my DIL…she knows and understands the level of darkness I feel when we first come back here. It is her encouragement that really helps the steps, as little as they may seem. Again I should feel blessed as my cousin, Bruce, put it, that I get to be a “snow flake” and enjoy both MN and AZ. And yes, I do, our house here is very nice as are the views and the weather once it gets below 90 degrees! 🙂 But I miss seeing the kids and grandkids. We did not get to see Jenny and her family very much since they were enjoying their weekends up north — up north weekends in the summer can be very limited so one needs to enjoy it as much as you can. But we got in the rhymthm in seeing Jaxen every week and that is really hard. We have talked via FaceBook, but not the same as him taking my hand as we go downstairs together to play. I still picture sitting with him the last day we were there, sitting on the giant bean bag and worrying about the “bugs” (fuzz balls) on the bean bag. And hearing him say with full excitement “Bumpa and G-ma”!! It does not help either that no one will probably come to visit this year like they did last year — we had so many visitors!!
I also think that yesterday did not help out….we finally got our travel trailer in to its storage place so I could take the truck and do some shopping. I made a list for Wal Mart and for the grocery store. I walked into WalMart and started looking at some things and then discovered I lost my list!! I retraced my steps and could not find it. I almost felt like going back in the truck and just go back home, but I already had a couple of things in my cart so that spurred me on to continue. I was going to pull out my phone and call David to commiserate with me, but discovered I left my phone back at the house!!! Geezz…talk about feeling more disorientated than ever!!! And going in to the grocery store without a list really felt like something was missing. So I just went up and down each aisle to try to recreate what I had on my list….still forgetting to get dishwasher soap! And speaking of dishwasher…here is where I should also feel blessed in that the dishwasher we have here is whisper quiet!!!
Depression has always been a part of me, and I usually just take a day to regroup and that helps, but I know going back to AZ takes a few more days. Even writing this blog seems to help somewhat as I feel that the change from caterpillar to butterfly is starting to take its course. I know it will come with time….lots of rambling here…I know…but I needed to try to get this out of my system….and for me writing seems to help that.
Hope you all stay safe and healthy….happy and content…
TIFN
Just cus….
Dandy Ventures 