This afternoon I am scheduled for a CT scan. Dr. Chen ordered this so she could get a better view of the lymph nodes and to assess if a biopsy could be done on any of them. It will be good to hear what she and the radiologist decide to do. I also messaged the surgeon at Mayo because his orders for physical therapy were not quite clear when I should start and also he mentioned a knee brace so it was not clear where I should get that. I asked him if he needed to put in orders for that and he responded that usually they switch over to the knee brace at the 6 week check….although I was not scheduled to follow up with the surgeon until March. Sometimes it seems like the right hand and left hand do not know what each other are doing!! :-) I told Dr. Houdek that if I need to come in at 6 weeks I can certainly do that and still do the March appointment that was originally requested. At that time they will fit me with the knee brace and I can start physical therapy. Not that I am looking forward to PT, because I am sure it will be uncomfortable, but just would like to feel like I am moving forward. So now looks like that full brace will be on until late January/early February. I am currently scheduled for a biopsy on 1/31 but that may change depending on the CT scan and if they feel they can do the biopsy safely or if it is better to wait.
You can stop reading now if you don’t like to hear about sadness, depression and being lonely. I just need to vent, write and let my thoughts out in hopes that will help let some of these feelings go. I saw something the other day about letting God give one the feet to walk the path that He has chosen…and I tried to look at that and think about how I might not be working on that path. I get up in the morning and move from the bed to the living room recliner. I try to make myself not just watch TV, but also work on crochet and/or read. I love to read, but it is hard to get the “strength” to pick up the book and read. I do use the walker when needed and have been trying to add in some extra steps to help build up my strength. Even thinking about having to get organized to get ready to go for the CT scan gives me some anxiety. It doesn’t really make sense…feels sad to sit here, so you would think the idea of going out would add a level of positivity. But getting dressed, while in this brace, doing my hair, and getting out to the car is hard to fathom that I can actually conquer all of this. I know I will come home after this is all done and tell myself I did it…and be glad I did…but part of me just wants to cancel the appointment.
So what should I do? I need to look at my situation and understand that I could be in a worse place. Often sarcoma can impact the bone, which would mean an even more intense surgery. So I need to remember that my bone was not impacted and they found this all pretty quick….had it been months or years later, the situation could have been worse. I need to take more advantage of this down time!! Keep going on the crochet and catch up on reading. I got some great books for Christmas that I need to dive in to. There are 2 things I really miss — walking Max outside and playing the keyboard. I can’t walk Max….although it was funny that the surgeon thought I would be able to do that at 3 weeks post surgery (no way!!), so I just have to wait on that until PT gives me the strength to move. And I decided that I am going to have David help me shuffle over to the keyboard, figure out a way to elevate my leg, and play some great classical or show songs. This morning or later today, we will figure this out. So trying to conquer some little things and still do the one day at a time. I definitely need to keep my mind busy because the leg does throb with pain and if I kept my brain cells busy maybe the pain signals would be delayed!
So onward and upward. There are others that are in a worse way than me, and I need to remember that. But I suppose we can only handle what we can and one day at a time will help. I know I will read this in a few weeks and giggle to myself about how I thought this was tough and how it was just a path that I needed to traverse to heal.
I also need to remember that I am so blessed to have a great family surrounding me…they are supportive and it is so fun to see them happy and enjoying life.
Sorry for the venting. But hopefully it helps all of us! :-)
Take care!
Dandy Ventures 