Yesterday was my 3 month appointment with Dr. Chen. She can’t do a PET scan yet since insurance will only cover PETs twice a year. But she did the full blood work and all looked good!! My WBC is back normal as were all of the other markers.
She asked the typical questions: how is your appetite, how are your bowels, how is your energy level, etc. After we went through all of that I asked her with all of the good news I am getting why am I so down and always just on the very edge of tears. I should be dancing in the street in celebration. I told her I always go crazy decorating for Christmas and yesterday I was thinking I may not put anything out. How can this be when I should be elated!!
She said this is a very normal reaction for some people when they experience the following: 1) initial cancer diagnosis, 2) diagnosis of reoccurrence or 3) transplant. She continued…let’s talk about your last year: Initial sarcoma diagnosis, radiation, major surgery, physical therapy, broken foot bones on the surgery leg, rituxan treatments, broken tibia on the non-surgery leg and of course the loss of Max our dog. And then you see Dr. Houdek at Mayo and he says don’t need to see you for a year and as I raised to him…a year!!! How do we know this will not come back either in the same place or elsewhere…after all he continually tells me this was a very, very rare tumor and they have limited data! (I had reviewed my Mayo appointment details with Chen as I always do) So she said you had an initial and reoccurrence diagnosis in this last year plus a high number of additional challenges. You were sent to Mayo, which in of itself can be a major assessment. For the last year, you have been on high major intense emotions that are just start coming down and as she said inside you are “waiting for the other foot to drop!” Wow, she was so on!!! And over the last year I tried to stay positive and maybe that was really masking some of my fears that were not released.
She and I talked for over 30 minutes!!! (I see again why she can get behind because she never hesitated in talking me through everything and how it is often seen. Even though she was already an hour late for my appointment and I think she had someone after me.)
I also talked about how we have become home bodies and honestly, I really don’t even have a desire to go out into the public. When we were setting up the next PET scan, we had told her that we hope to travel in February (Florida) especially because we could not last year.
She shared her empathy with losing a pet. She said I know people say it was “just a dog”, but that creature gave you unconditional love at all times. And for me, Max was my constant companion. We walked 2-3 times in day in rain, snow, heat and below freezing!! And he was always by my side. She said that alone is a major loss.
She had some recommendations. First, they have a group that they work with that specialty is working with cancer patients…counselors. My past experience with counselors has not been the best so I was a little hesitant. Chen could tell that and suggested that I have an initial conversation with someone and then go from there. She said we absolutely need to keep our Florida plans in place. She said there is nothing better than walking out to sun and blue skies almost every day. She said every time she goes to see her parents in Florida the minute she steps off the plane it is like pure magic for her. And yes, it may rain, like maybe an afternoon shower but the sun always makes another appearance. She also suggested that if we feel it is a fit for us, that we adopt another dog in the Spring, if that is what we want to do. I will see her in January after the PET, but will also see her in the Spring so she wants to touch base specifically on this.
Even knowing that this “edge of tears” emotion is somewhat normal helps a good deal. She also understood my comment about not seeing Houdek for a year and it was almost a panic situation in that “who is watching over me?” She said that Houdek knows that she is doing PET scans and that would catch anything suspicious in the mean time.
I will take one step at a time. Try to take some walks outside when it is not icy, talk to the counselor and try to move forward. It just feels like I have this rock I need to pick up, that is too heavy for me, hard for my weak leg to address, and overwhelming. But I need to start with a pebble and work my way from there. 🙂
Think positive thoughts and prayers for me on this new challenge. Maybe I need to watch a good rom-com and just cry my heart out and it will be gone! LOL Me and my self-prescriptions!! I am so thankful for Dr. Chen and her years of experience and understanding and compassion!
Take care!
Dandy Ventures 